Going to University can change a lot of things about a girl. Career prospects, an understanding of their course and most of all becoming a big fat whore. I think that when we're surrounded by other girls our age and no adults around in a city that is essentially funded by our partying, our perspectives on acceptable behaviour change because there is no one around us showing a good example or an ounce of judgement. These little changes are what I call "never in London's".
"Never in London would I come home at 5am and throw up in my sink"
"Never in London would I order pizza every day"
"Never in London would I go through a brick of cigarettes in a month"
And the fundamental one that has been playing on my mind:
"Never in London would I go out wearing that."
I'll explain how this thought has been bothering me. I recently bought a pair of knicker-shorts. You know which type I'm talking about - the leathery hot pants that are skin tight and show off the underside of a girls bum...like a slutty crescent moon. A body part that makes very little sense as an attractive feature, but a popular one no less. My friends have been wearing these shorts for a long time at Uni and it took me a while to cave into the trend and accept the idea of the elusive under-bum.
I went out in London wearing these shorts and was more than unpleasantly surprised. Everywhere I went people were giving me looks as though I had forgotten to put my trousers on...which to be fair was essentially true. As a girl who believes infinitely in body confidence, I wasn't swayed by the negative feedback. Nonetheless, even if I wasn't offended by the end of the night I became irritated and quite frankly cold. I was literally freezing my butt off. The constant stares were one thing, but by the time an over-friendly man in dreadlocks asked if he could touch my ass and or photograph it...I knew I was no longer comfortable.
I laughed off the standard abuse from my friends and sister calling me a slut, but started to consider that maybe I had taken it a little too far this time. I know in myself that I am not a slut, as is true of most other girls that wear these shorts, but if you saw me walking down the street in them you wouldn't think "cupcake enthusiast and loving girlfriend" you would think "cock enthusiast and girlfriend of many".
I realised that during my Fresher's year of Uni, I had let one piece of clothing go bit by bit until I was dressing like a girl with very low self-esteem.
The funny thing was that I wasn't dressing like a whore because of low confidence, it was quite the opposite. Once you're in that Uni atmosphere however, it just feels like there are no limits; whether it comes to your wardrobe or your alcohol and drug intake.
I decided while getting dressed to go out tonight that I would make a change, try to cover up for once and see how it made me feel. I thought it would give me a liberating sense of confidence to actually put it away for once. I put on a pair of trousers and a loose fitting top and to be honest I felt awful. I hoped for sophisticated and classy and somehow fell into the rabbit hole of dowdy and frumpy. The more I tried to find 'suitable' outfits the more I kept finding myself falling into categories such as 'casual' 'plain' and 'boring'.
It occured to me that this must be the way that all other girls feel when they go out clubbing. I now realise that these girls you see in tight dresses and low tops aren't just trying to attract the attention of men or compete with eachother, but might just feel more comfortable dancing with a little skin on show.
So here's my predicament, I want to dress for fun and in a way that makes me happy without anyone else getting hurt, don't we all?
Unfortunately the more I wear hooker shorts the more my sister will be embarrassed and my boyfriend will be uncomfortable (even if he's too nice to make me feel bad about it).
I think for me it took going a little bit too far to realise where the line was, which I suppose is true of most things for people our age and of our generation. I'm not ashamed of how I dressed and never would be, but I still don't want my clothes to speak louder than who I am...especially when they're sending out the wrong message.
Turns out that the answer for all of us should be a bit of balance, I'm going to see how I feel tonight just showing off one body part.
After all we need to find a good midway point between Audrey Hepburn and Samantha Jones...even if that does involve looking like a hooker every now and then on your way there.
(Sorry to the boys for this ridiculously girly post/rant)
Olivia Jane
xx
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