I know it sounds silly, but there's something incredibly validating about an adult (actual, not imaginary like myself) trusting me with their home, totally in spite of the fact that I look about 17 and I usually have my unruly hair thrown up into a bun on top of my head like a little Sikh boy.
Landlords always ask me a lot of personal questions, which I love.
"Do you live around here?"
"Why are you always drinking orange squash?"
"Is that glitter on your nails?"
"Are you wearing a man's jumper?" etc, just normal stuff..
Funnily enough, one thing they always ask me once they get comfortable is if I have a boyfriend. No matter what kind of tenants I find, or what fee I'm charging they've just got to know if anyone is surveying MY property.
Because "fuck no" and "does my dog count" aren't viable options, I just go for a simple "not at the moment" to appease.
Then of course I get the 'three-legged dog' face. You know that face people pull when they see a three-legged dog walking the street and just think 'aww, well he's doing his best despite that. Poor thing.' That face.
And then of course they try to console me about my missing emotional limb. Or, in some cases, I get warnings. I had a lovely Chinese lady the other day tell me "It's ok for now, but you have 4 years left to find a husband."
OR WHAT MRS KIM? Am I going to implode? Are my ovaries going on Gumtree? For the love of God what is going to happen to me?!
The thing is, it doesn't actually bother me. These people are always incredibly sweet and they genuinely take an interest, so I just smile at them and promise to let them know if I find someone to keep prisoner.
I have no problem with love, in fact I love love. Whenever I see couples kissing in the streets, or one of my friends tells me they've met a guy with a genuinely fantastic dick it absolutely warms my heart. Even my sister and her boyfriend smothering eachother (and me) on the sofa shouting "I love Steph the most!" "No I love Dan the most!" doesn't make me feel that sick.
But - as every Jewish girl knows there is a wading pool issue.
Imagine being a vegetarian at a Barbecue.
Yes the Linda McCartney Veggie Sausages look good, and no Quorn isn't that bad even though it's a fungus.
Here's the thing though:
You are not the only vegetarian at the Barbecue.
There are 15 sausages. 8 of them have already been taken, 2 are gay, 5 you've already tried and the other 2 are married.
Those of you who are particularly observant may have noticed we're not talking about sausages anymore. Or are we..
ANYWAY
What is a vegetarian to do?
Do you sit around and wait for another tray of sausages to come out?
Do you go hungry?
There is always the option of going for a nice, juicy beef burger, but what would your parents say?
Your parents have always been vegetarian, they raised you this way. Your vegetarian grandpa would turn in his grave if he knew you ate a chicken wing.
All that's left is the bowl of Quorn. Vegetarian as all hell but frankly not attractive at all.
In this day and age, there are a million ways to meet people. Fuck I sound old, but I digress.
There's Jswipe, Tinder, Bumble, InnerCircle and also apparently an app specifically for people who are turned on by uniforms. The bases are well and truly covered.
Problem is though, no real romantic is going to want to sit their kids down and say:
"I swiped right to Daddy on Jswipe, my friend Sarah had already given him a blowjob on FZY but she said it was fine."
So we all act too proud to use it, but inevitably end up in a wine infused swipe-spiral after a long day/younger persons engagement party.
If there are any other twenty-somethings out there who are getting a touch freaked out by this, I have some very simple advice.
Relax.
Your 20s are pretty much the only time in your life where it is perfectly okay to be not sure.
Not sure how a washing machine really works?
Not sure if you're heading towards the right career?
Not sure you just drank tequila or nail polish remover?
Not sure where you left your bra?
Not sure who you're going to end up with?
It's fine! Be not sure! Be as fucking unsure as you can about literally everything because one day you'll be 40 and it will be too late to luxuriate in confusion.
"Do you know how to save money while paying for a mortgage?"
...Fuck knows mate
"Have you decided what school to send your kid to?"
...Screw that little prick, I don't know, Hogwarts?
See, those questions haven't arrived yet. Thank god.
All you need to decide about right now is making the kind of decisions that make you and those around you feel happy and loved.
In the words of a the great scholar, Rupaul "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"
Focus on you, focus on now. Something will come out of the kitchen for you onto that Barbecue and whether it's a hot dog, a fish fillet or even a damn deep-fried Mars bar, it will be worth it.
Bye for now!
The Geisler
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