Why am I talking about my mother outside of my therapists office you might ask? Well it's because of her polarizing ways that I got thinking. We were watching Sex And The City the other night and she said "I don't understand how they can have sex without someone they're in love with?"
You would've thought she was familiar with the premise by now, seeing as it isn't called 'Commited Marital Union And The Suburb'...but I digress.
I explained to her that women enjoy sex without commitment just as much as men do. She looked at me startled as if I'd told her that women have secret penises hidden in their glove compartments - I mean how else was it possible?
I insisted it was true at which point she starting tapping at her iPhone, probably to Google it. I then explained to her that the only thing that really matters is consent, at which point she'd zoned out and started talking to me about tupperware. Don't get me wrong, I love tupperware but it's not really relevant unless we're discussing the fact that someone at work has stolen mine WITHOUT CONSENT. I will find you...
Anyway. My point here (because I really do have one) is that the sexual identity of women has changed so much from one generation to the next that it's so important we ensure the conversation is going in the right direction. Not only this, but because of the disparity it makes it so difficult for young girls to talk to their parents about sex.
I imagine that when teenage boys lose their virginity and tell their dad it's like one of those energy drink adverts where father and son run around a football pitch together and high-five all sweaty and victorious.
I told my mother I wanted to go on the pill at 17 and she told me I didn't have bad skin so there was no reason she could think of. I don't think I need to explain how the rest of that conversation went.
The interesting thing is that the Boomer generation seem to view casual sex as correlating with lack of self respect and self love. The reality is that the more young girls learn about their choices the more they are able to recognise their own self worth and ability to say 'yes' and 'no' to certain situations.
So much work is being done to improve how all women feel about their bodies, but it needs to extend further than that to what we choose to do with our bodies. I don't know about you, but I don't want to see another generation of girls feeling dirty or wrong for having consensual sex.
I've been speaking to some seriously wonderful brands recently who are working towards getting shame-free sex toys into mainstream shops. I am fully aware of how controversial this is (god forbid someone's child sees it right?) but at the same time normalising these products means normalising women's relationship with their sexuality and bodies.
If women are forced to look left and right before sneaking into Ann Summers, the veil will never be lifted.
Now I am asking all women to run around collecting vibrators like Pokemon cards and sleeping with every man in sight. All else aside who has the time? What I am saying though, is that before making any decisions about our bodies we need to ask ourselves:
1. Am I comfortable with this?
2. Am I causing harm to myself or anyone else?
3. Is there consent all round?
And not:
1. Will people judge me? Unless you're standing in front of Simon Cowell with a microphone, you are not open to other people's judgement.
2. Will my number go up? Who do you think is keeping a log of these numbers? It's not exactly affecting your credit score.
3. What does this say about me? Absolutely nothing. You choose your own narrative.
Once I finally re-gained my mother's attention, I said to her what I will now say to you:
Sex is like a snack. Everyone craves it and no one should be ashamed of it. Some people will only share a bowl of ice cream with a loved one, which is great. Other times you'll find yourself digging into some popcorn with someone nice you just met, also fine. Even if you want to go for a pick-n-mix, it's all good as long as everyone is happy and consenting.
That's all from me for today,
The Geisler