I was not actually planning to write another blog post but as the prophetic Messiah that I am, it has come to me in a dream. I wouldn't want to piss off the big girl upstairs by ignoring her wishes - so here we go!
I'm sure you've all heard the absolutely stunning news that our fair city is being put on the naughty step once again and now we are forced to see virtually no-one but our parents, lest risk frozen nipples in visiting our friends outdoors. If I didn't know any better, I'd be quite sure that Sadiq Khan had been put up to this by a committee of Jewish mothers, but I digress.
For many of us, the first real lockdown was spent living with our partners - a government enforced Love Island 'test' if you will. Of course benefitting by the fact that should your head be turned, there's really fuck all else to go.
So many of my friends have enlightened me to the many pleasures of being locked in with a person who they once loved and respected but now is known as 'the prick who didn't buy more loo roll' but sadly for me I never before had the honour.
Yes that's right, I spent my first lockdown nestled in with my birth-givers watching The Crown and drinking the small dregs of whiskey my mother could spare. It was pretty great. The whole event was catered by Waitrose, there was an open bar and even a petting zoo with all the furry friends galivanting about the place.
But now that I have moved in with my handsome, Coco-Pop eating, remote-hogging beau things are about to get real. Tier-2 real.
While of course I don't mind us living harmoniously; enjoying meals together, cuddling up on the sofa, discussing my dog's starsign and the like, I have decided it would be a great opportunity to get on his proverbial tits.
Thus I have compiled a list of my favourite ways to annoy your boyfriend while stuck at home:
1. Refer to yourself in the third person as 'your girlfriend'.
"Is that any way to speak to your girlfriend?"
"Would you actually take the last potato away from your girlfriend?"
"Are you not able to fake-tan the back of your girlfriend?"
- This one is super effective as it guilt trips them while giving a gentle reminder of how trapped they are.
2. Pretend to love their favourite films but insist on watching Sex And The City every night.
"Oh babe, have you ever seen Inglorious Basterds? It's even better than John Wick. Oh look, here's the episode where Samantha dates the guy with the funky tasting spunk."
- We love this one as it gives more false-hope than tying your hair up in a ponytail, only turn around and read a book.
3. Leave hair ties everywhere. And I mean everywhere.
As I've been reminded above, nothing irritates a man more than rogue hair ties polluting their living space. Leave them under his pillow, in his cereal bowl, wherever you can. Feel free to get creative.
Bonus points if you can do the same with those tiny hair grips.
- This is a great way of giving a man the same fear they get with spiders, let them fear that there's a nest.
4. Fill the fridge with cottage cheese.
I don't know what it is about cottage cheese, women love it and men are genuinely terrified of the stuff. My guess is that they all sat through that SexEd class at school and still have some images burned in their brains of a certain STD showing symptoms. Regardless, don't wait until you finish your pot to buy another, just keep buying them until they can't get to their eggs without inhaling the stuff.
- This is what is called psychological warfare, the white stuff works even better on your boyfriend's nerves than it does on Ryvita.
5. Amp up the drama on your week of reckoning. Yes I'm talking about your period.
Does it hurt? Hell yes. Does it make you feel weak, dizzy, emotional? Of course. And who is the best person to take it out on? The person in the house who has never had to deal with it. He wanted to be a part of your family, well it's time for him to get acquainted with Aunt Flo. Top tips include asking for a hot water bottle every hour on the hour, doing a tennis player groan every time you get a cramp and most importantly crying whenever you see an animal or baby on TV.
- This is of course the most important of all the steps and a great reminder for him to knock you up to avoid future incidents.
Now for those of you who don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend at this stage in life, please do not by any means feel like you can't participate. There are so many men out there just waiting to have their day ruined, just pick one and do your magic. It could be your Dad, a neighbour or even the friendly man behind the till at the petrol station. The world is your XY oyster.
But in all seriousness, we love these sweet men who stick around whether we're annoying them on purpose or just flexing the muscles of our honest to god personalities. And in the name of equality (because it does swing both ways) I will be sure to compile a list of ways for the men to get us very soon.
Wishing everyone a safe and happy weekend,
The Geisler
xx
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